How to have difficult discussion in our relationships.

How to have difficult discussions in our relationships

How to have difficult discussion in our relationships may sound cheap, but it is very important in every aspect of our relationship. There are times when we have to settle crucial

or bothering issues, and we are faced with the dilemma of dialogue. What we end up doing most of the time is quarreling or fighting over the issues.

 I'm sure some of us have witnessed relationships breakdown due to the inability of couples to reconcile their differences. Discussion about their differences always end up in quarrels and they keep moving in circles. Because things didn't work out, they eventually conclude that they are not meant to be together. 

The root of this kind of relationship issue is ignorance; when people believe that issues will go automatically, and things will get better with time. They don't understand that relationship is like farming; you plant whatever you want to harvest deliberately. The joy or the frustration you experience in your relationship is the seed that either or both of you have sown.

Failure to develop mastery in having difficult discussions without emotional breakdown, flaring up or quarreling is dangerous to the health of your relationship. Having difficult conversations could require CONFRONTATION. The techniques of confrontation and correction are so powerful that they can save a dying relationship. 

Do you and your spouse have differences in values, faith, taste, physical limit and plans? These and many more can be reconciled through discussion. But first, as the name implies, difficult conversation would require boldness and strength to be productive. 

Fear might even threaten to stop us from having some conversations with our partners; fear of conflict, fear of discomfort, fear of hurting your partner, fear of break up, most especially in courtship when a partner is scared of losing the other partner’s commitment. 

Confrontation should be a part of our relationship either good or bad because the closer we become, the greater the need for confrontation. Closeness opens up our weaknesses, immaturity and differences to one another. Our appropriate response to these differences should be to address them. Love should not make you blind to your differences; it should help you identify and recalibrate your focus on how to address them. 

These are some of the importance of Confrontation;

1. Its helps you to address pressing issues. 

2. It help you to know more about your partner

3. It helps to prevent the establishment of bad behavioral patterns. Once a behavioral pattern is established, it becomes difficult to change. Take for instance; your partner regularly shouts at you. He/she might be doing this out of ignorance or might be unaware that you don't like it. If you don't confront the situation early enough, it might become a behavioral pattern. 

Before having Difficult Conversations, consider these…

1. Have a Plan

2. Proper timing of approach 

3. Right manner of approach 

4. Right Articulation 

These four things can be categorized into: Before confrontation and After confrontation.The planning comes before the conversation or discussion.  

1. Have a Plan

Planning is very important. Praying is a part of planning. Prayer settles things in the spirit before the actual act happens. So its very paramount to pray individually or together about issues, especially important issues, before discussing it. Proverbs says the heart of the king is in the hands of the Lord, and he can lead it wherever he pleases.

Another important part of planning is thinking. You should have thought over the discussion, don't just jump into action without thinking. Wise people think before they act 

2. Proper timing of approach 

The right time is the best time to do everything or anything. Ecclesiastes says to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. No matter how important the discussion is, if it's presented at the wrong time, the purpose will be forfeited. 

Now think of this; If a man comes knocking at your door very early (let's say at exactly 3:30am) in the morning screaming 'Good Morning' Would you like it? Of course not. The wrong timing has polluted the message of the greeting

3. Right manner of approach 

Always remember that your spouse is also an adult and not a kid. He/She has feelings. No matter how hot or serious the discussion gets, never compromise respect. You may get serious, but still very warm and polite in your approach. It’s possible to get so used and familiar with ourselves that we forget the place of being polite. Mr Muyiwa Adigun usually say: “don’t let anyone say sweeter words to your spouse than you"

4. Right Articulation 

Be clear and specific about what you want. Avoid ambiguity.